I have held inside of me A secret, A swirling torrent, Held still in a singularity, Melded down into itself A thousand times Over the course Of countless patterns Of tingling neurons Leaping With electric hesitation As my story, Moment by moment, Becomes incomplete. I have clutched The smile on my face So tightly That the bleeding heart Behind it Began to seep through, Pounding against The inside of my skull And rattling the skeletons In my closet So loudly That I Almost expressed myself About an old dark moment That hasn't been released From the grip that holds Its snapping jaws At arm's length, Away from my sight. I am no ordinary human, And no more or less special Than anyone you've seen In the faces you've avoided On your street On the way to the grocery. But I have keys and locks That most don't notice, Because, Seeing all that's there Would bring most shoppers To their knees, Wishing that somehow They could forget What makes us breathe, And take their chicken back To the aisle Where they still felt free. I'm the kind of girl You meet behind a counter, Or in an alien ship Three dimensions away, Occasionally in the ghetto With schizophrenics, Or by a pagan fire Dancing in the rain. Sometimes I'm in a trash house In the desert, Or hiding under a blanket On the couch. But my secret Is always melded Into everything, The details you don't hear, That I leave out.
I wrote this tonight to share with you my experience of opening. We all have things that feel incredibly difficult to be open about, sometimes even with ourselves, but the more that we are brave enough to at least notice and feel what we’re hiding and why, the easier it will be to determine where our unexpressed story is holding us back.
What if you’re holding back the truth about what you need in a job or a relationship? Or what if your unexpressed weird or wild or taboo side is keeping you from unleashing the most satisfying creative ways of expressing who you really are as an individual, and keeping you from getting to know yourself fully?
What if your old wounds, and other things you don’t like to think about, are keeping you in a habit of playing it safe, keeping yourself small, or settling for something that makes you wonder where you went wrong?
We have to be honest with ourselves and know our own secrets. Only then can we begin to move forward, and be loving towards ourselves in the ways that we really need it, and be bold in the ways that we haven’t been for too long of a while.
And as always, I’m here with an open heart to remind you that you are perfect as you are, and always growing, and supporting you on your journey, Goddess to Goddess.
All my love and appreciation,
Aquarian Goddess Jen