My Secret

I have held inside of me 
 A secret,
 A swirling torrent,
 Held still in a singularity,
 Melded down into itself 
 A thousand times
 Over the course 
 Of countless patterns
 Of tingling neurons
 Leaping 
 With electric hesitation
 As my story,
 Moment by moment,
 Becomes incomplete.

I have clutched 
 The smile on my face
 So tightly
 That the bleeding heart 
 Behind it
 Began to seep through,
 Pounding against 
 The inside of my skull 
 And rattling the skeletons 
 In my closet
 So loudly
 That I 
 Almost expressed myself
 About an old dark moment
 That hasn't been released
 From the grip that holds
 Its snapping jaws 
 At arm's length,
 Away from my sight.

I am no ordinary human,
 And no more or less special 
 Than anyone you've seen
 In the faces you've avoided 
 On your street 
 On the way to the grocery.
 But I have keys and locks
 That most don't notice,
 Because, 
 Seeing all that's there
 Would bring most shoppers 
 To their knees,
 Wishing that somehow
 They could forget
 What makes us breathe,
 And take their chicken back 
 To the aisle 
 Where they still felt free.

I'm the kind of girl 
 You meet behind a counter,
 Or in an alien ship 
 Three dimensions away,
 Occasionally in the ghetto 
 With schizophrenics,
 Or by a pagan fire 
 Dancing in the rain.

Sometimes I'm in a trash house 
 In the desert,
 Or hiding under a blanket 
 On the couch.
 But my secret 
 Is always melded 
 Into everything,
 The details you don't hear,
 That I leave out.

I wrote this tonight to share with you my experience of opening.  We all have things that feel incredibly difficult to be open about, sometimes even with ourselves, but the more that we are brave enough to at least notice and feel what we’re hiding and why, the easier it will be to determine where our unexpressed story is holding us back.

What if you’re holding back the truth about what you need in a job or a relationship?  Or what if your unexpressed weird or wild or taboo side is keeping you from unleashing the most satisfying creative ways of expressing who you really are as an individual, and keeping you from getting to know yourself fully?

What if your old wounds, and other things you don’t like to think about, are keeping you in a habit of playing it safe, keeping yourself small, or settling for something that makes you wonder where you went wrong?

We have to be honest with ourselves and know our own secrets.  Only then can we begin to move forward, and be loving towards ourselves in the ways that we really need it, and be bold in the ways that we haven’t been for too long of a while.

And as always, I’m here with an open heart to remind you that you are perfect as you are, and always growing, and supporting you on your journey, Goddess to Goddess. 

All my love and appreciation,

Aquarian Goddess Jen

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