My Secret

I have held inside of me 
 A secret,
 A swirling torrent,
 Held still in a singularity,
 Melded down into itself 
 A thousand times
 Over the course 
 Of countless patterns
 Of tingling neurons
 Leaping 
 With electric hesitation
 As my story,
 Moment by moment,
 Becomes incomplete.

I have clutched 
 The smile on my face
 So tightly
 That the bleeding heart 
 Behind it
 Began to seep through,
 Pounding against 
 The inside of my skull 
 And rattling the skeletons 
 In my closet
 So loudly
 That I 
 Almost expressed myself
 About an old dark moment
 That hasn't been released
 From the grip that holds
 Its snapping jaws 
 At arm's length,
 Away from my sight.

I am no ordinary human,
 And no more or less special 
 Than anyone you've seen
 In the faces you've avoided 
 On your street 
 On the way to the grocery.
 But I have keys and locks
 That most don't notice,
 Because, 
 Seeing all that's there
 Would bring most shoppers 
 To their knees,
 Wishing that somehow
 They could forget
 What makes us breathe,
 And take their chicken back 
 To the aisle 
 Where they still felt free.

I'm the kind of girl 
 You meet behind a counter,
 Or in an alien ship 
 Three dimensions away,
 Occasionally in the ghetto 
 With schizophrenics,
 Or by a pagan fire 
 Dancing in the rain.

Sometimes I'm in a trash house 
 In the desert,
 Or hiding under a blanket 
 On the couch.
 But my secret 
 Is always melded 
 Into everything,
 The details you don't hear,
 That I leave out.

I wrote this tonight to share with you my experience of opening.  We all have things that feel incredibly difficult to be open about, sometimes even with ourselves, but the more that we are brave enough to at least notice and feel what we’re hiding and why, the easier it will be to determine where our unexpressed story is holding us back.

What if you’re holding back the truth about what you need in a job or a relationship?  Or what if your unexpressed weird or wild or taboo side is keeping you from unleashing the most satisfying creative ways of expressing who you really are as an individual, and keeping you from getting to know yourself fully?

What if your old wounds, and other things you don’t like to think about, are keeping you in a habit of playing it safe, keeping yourself small, or settling for something that makes you wonder where you went wrong?

We have to be honest with ourselves and know our own secrets.  Only then can we begin to move forward, and be loving towards ourselves in the ways that we really need it, and be bold in the ways that we haven’t been for too long of a while.

And as always, I’m here with an open heart to remind you that you are perfect as you are, and always growing, and supporting you on your journey, Goddess to Goddess. 

All my love and appreciation,

Aquarian Goddess Jen

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Who brings out YOU?

Today, let’s talk about influence, identity, and most importantly, you.

Personally, I’m very aware that we are all walking tuning forks and chameleons, soaking up and emitting the gist of our surroundings.

We walk around picking up mannerisms, preferences, habits of thought, and through this natural phenomenon, our individual truths get smushed into different shapes for a while, until we realize it through being shown the striking contrast, usually in a rather dramatic “I don’t even recognize myself anymore!” kind of upheaval.

We’re often drawn to people who remind us of ourselves, or others we’ve felt comfortable with in the past. It’s only natural, since the person feels familiar, and we’ve created a habit of being open to that specific energy in our lives. This is good, as long as we have a healthy filter so that we don’t end up repeating mistakes of opening to someone who has qualities that are damaging.

We also have a tendency to seek out those who have qualities that we’d like to embody ourselves, and while this is healthy when done in a balanced way that keeps your truths and core values intact (while unconditionally loving ourselves along the way), it’s an image of a future self that is always under construction and usually not someone we identify as just yet, so we’ll often tweak ourselves to match the template of how THIS person got closer to where we’d like to be, and can get a bit lost in that.

The third kind of person is the real game-changer. Every now and then, you’ll meet a person who brings out YOU. They are the rare gems who just naturally bring us into a comfortable state of self-expression and feeling good in our own skins.

They may or may not be walking a similar path, they may or may not seem particularly inspiring, but that’s not what makes them so inexplicably enjoyable. You’ll know who they are because they’re not just like you, or like your ideal image of who you want to become. You’re not just picking up on qualities that you share, like you would with a mirror. They’re genuinely THEM and that energy supports you being you.

These are my favorite kinds of people. While you have a lot in common, you get really geeked about how THEM their outfit, or their art, or their way of living is. And they wanna know what makes you you. They appreciate the shit out of your unique expression, and their energy naturally directs you towards INNER expression from your core, rather than ideals and constructs and values of theirs, or society’s.

I’ve lucked out to have a couple friends like that over my lifetime. They’re the ones who you just keep a special place in your life for, who keep a special place for you in theirs.

Pay attention to these people, the ones whose unique energy supports you being what you are. This type of connection is SO life-giving, in that it releases us from the usual pressure we feel to conform to our surroundings, or our ideals, in a sea of expectation and being on guard.

Choose to surround yourself with the people who are amazed by your natural way of being, who encourage you and make you feel proud of who you are.

Give yourself the full permission to be uninhibitedly you. And those who suit you, your projects, and your personality will be able to see you, and be a part of your wonderfully unique life.

Who we naturally are is PERFECTLY suited to our purpose, and as long as we put our genuine hearts and wills out into the world every day, we WILL create the lives we’ve been dreaming of. It’s only a matter of consistent, authentic, soul-inspired action, as we go forward through time.

And if you need a friend or a helping hand along the way, you know I’ve got you, Goddess to Goddess.

All my love,

Aquarian Goddess Jen

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