How to Stop Settling | You Deserve More

3 Keys to the Better Life You Deserve


You deserve more.  I’m gonna put it bluntly, because it’s true.

You work hard, you do your self-work, you make a point of helping others.

Believe it or not, you are worthy of great things.

But a lot of the time, because of the challenges, or our conditioning, we refuse to believe it.

It’s time to take a closer look. Be honest with yourself. This is a lot farther than you were, but it’s not what you were dreaming of. There’s pieces missing that you’ve been hesitant to believe are possible to change for you.

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Where are you settling in life?

Do you feel loved and appreciated by the people you’ve chosen to surround yourself with?

Is your home beautiful and organized, and full of loving energy?

Are you pursuing your passion daily and seeing the rewards?

Are you feeling connection with your spirit and a clear sense of direction more often than not?

Do you have enough fun, and free time?

Do you have as much money as you’d like to?

Do you feel good about yourself, the way you move through the world, and your accomplishments?

Are you relaxed, energized, and healthy?

Are you expanding your mind, your skills, and getting creative?

 

If any of these questions gave you a shrinking feeling or made you laugh as if it were silly to expect that to happen for you… girl, you’re settling for less than you deserve.

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There are three main components that come into play.

 

 

Worthiness

First and foremost, you’re not going to take any actions to give yourself what you deserve if you don’t believe you’re worth the effort, or can let yourself accept your prizes with open appreciation.

You’ve got to remember that nobody in the world has been, or ever will be, perfect. Our “perfection” lies in our divine essence, our unique qualities, and our ability to grow and change. The most powerful transformation comes from our ability to let go of the past and move forward, and our ability to see the beauty in the hidden places in life, including in the parts of ourselves we’ve been rejecting for years.

What is it that makes you feel unworthy?

Usually it stems from ways that someone else has judged us in the past, or a way that we tend to judge the world around us.

Do you feel like you’re not worthy of unconditional love because you’ve made this mistake or that mistake and never forgiven yourself? Or maybe because of the ridiculous beauty standards shoved down our throats since childhood making us questiong our inherent lovability?

Do you feel crappy about where you’re at in life because someone (maybe even yourself) told you it wasn’t good enough for the age you are right now? Instead of encouraging you to appreciate your accomplishments and reminding you that you’re capable of anything, and helping you come up with a game plant to get to where you really want to be?

Do you just not prioritize your own worth because you’re so busy taking care of everyone else, that you’re too afraid to admit how badly you need to rest and do things for you, because if you stopped, everything would fall apart? And then you’d feel super guilty about it?

Firstly, whether your lack of prioritizing your worth is one of these, or something unique to you, you are NOT alone.

We all have some level of challenge when it comes to believing we can do this or that it’s even acceptable for use, because we’re not used to thinking we deserve it.

Our subconscious minds are filled with judgements from the people we were surrounded by when we were growing up, and these things tend to stick with us, hidden in the depths, secretly influencing what we believe about our abilities and our worth.

If you imagine yourself with a million dollars that you just earned from doing something really easy and aligned with your purpose, engaged to some otherworldly-level-of-gorgeous person who’s also super intelligent… walking into to your family’s holiday dinner, or a room full of people you went to high school with, I bet all kinds of uncomfortable scenarios start to form in your head.

This guy will be judging you out of jealousy, someone else will be judging you because they think you’re probably some kind of a fake, because they believe rich people are all just selfish jerks and con-artists. Someone else will be judging that there’s no way the relationship will last, coming up with every reason they can make up on the spot, because they feel insecure about not having attracted someone so impressive in their own life.

Our own inner judgements and insecurities about ourselves talk the same way when we start to think about the things we really want in life. And since we’ve got to believe we deserve these wonderful things in order to pursue them without giving up, it’s our job to figure out which ones we’re struggling with, and see the truth behind the judgement or lie. And the truth is always that we’re good enough, we’re lovable, we’re worthy, and we’re free to change our situation.

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Boundaries

So, once we’ve got the ide of which limiting belief we’re here to reprogram so that we can stop settling and start improving our lives, the next step is to draw a very clear line between what is acceptable and what is not.

Now, depending on what it is that you’re changing, it can look like a few different things, but it’s always going to include saying “yes” to what you’re worthy of and saying “no” to settling.
Wear the nice outfit in the back of your closet that you worry about getting dirty, so that you can feel gorgeous and abundant and magnificent.

Say no to the offer that is going to stress you out and make you feel like you’re contradicting what’s right for you.

Say YES to the opportunities that scare you, that feel risky and just beyond your reach.

Say HELL YES to the big move you’re not sure is safe to take.

Be smart, be practical, absolutely, but start DOING it!
In relationships, friendships, and partnerships, if you’re being disrespected, give an ultimatum, with a timeframe. If it’s not met, you deserve better, and you should leave. Or if it’s a really strong disrespect, just leave, girl.

If you feel stuck in a job that’s not what you actually care about and you’re miserable there, refuse to let yourself stay there any longer than you have to. Start looking for, or creating a better career for yourself, and truly dedicate yourself to it.

What you do for a living is what you spend the most hours of your life on. If you want to spend most of the hours of your life doing something more meaningful, than take it absolutely seriously, because it’s one of the most important changes you’ll ever make. Invest your time, your money, your energy, and your soul into making it real. What is it that you’d do in the world, that helps make it a better place every day, if you didn’t have to worry about money? That will give you a first glimpse into what will make you happier.

There’s no reason to be scared. There are always going to be more people, and more opportunities that are healthier for you, and more fulfilling, but you have to make room in your life for them.

Setting clear boundaries doesn’t just tell you, and also your subconscious mind, what you’re done with. It also tells the Universe. When you make it clear through your words and your actions that you are done with something in your life, whether it’s disrespect, being under-appreciated, or overworked, the Universe takes a note of that, and starts to close the doors to those energies, and open their opposites for you to stride proudly into.


Discipline (Dedication)

Ahhhh, discipline. That old friend lurking in the corner ready to smack you with a ruler if you get out of line. No, I’m just kidding. Don’t get discouraged, I’ve got something up my sleeve for ya.

That old method of crackin’ the whip may work for some people, but for me, it’s easier to work with myself, and use encouragement and goals to keep me sticking to my plan.

Discipline is one of those things in life that’s like a muscle. Even if you’ve always sucked with self-discipline (and I say this from experience, so trust me here) by taking baby-steps and working WITH yourself, you can see improvements faster than you’d expect to.

I used to be WILDLY undisciplined. Really, though. I’ve always been a wild-child, free-spirit, ethereal creature, and gypsy soul at heart. I would regularly tell time and space to suck it (and still do) but I hadn’t realized, until hitting age 29 and realizing I’d been putting off all the work I didn’t “feel like” doing towards my lofty business aspirations for literally a decade

During the majority of my 20s, although it was an absolutely beautiful journey full of potent transformation, I was caught up in a common pitfall of “law of attraction & lightworker types”… which is to accidentally get ungrounded, by following the “path of least resistance” and high vibrations and ease, instead of feeling into the path of your true calling, and grounding your soul fully, strengthening through the challenges that it comes with.

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It was then that I saw just how much I was holding myself back by not fully embracing my inner authority over my own life. I’ll be honest, it’s been very challenging for me, because I’d never done it before! But, regardless of that, I’ve made amazing progress, and it’s all thanks to redefining discipline as dedication, and taking baby steps to make things easy to integrate a little bit at a time.

I find that this works with my clients too. Every week we’ll have one main action step to take, to move them closer to their goal. It’s the one action that reminds them how dedicated they are to their path, their purpose, their improvement, and grounds it into the rhythm of their life right now, as a new steady beat coming from the heart of their soul. And because it was just one task (two if they’re really on fire) it’s manageable.

It’s still challenging, because it’s something new, it’s something important, and, since it came up in a coaching session, it’s something they’re struggling with. But, they’ve also got backup, through being reminded of WHY they’re doing this. When they feel stuck or frustrated, they’ll send me a message for that extra boost, that reminder that they decided they’re done settling for less than they deserve, and help them push through it. But we all also have the ability to be our own reminder.

The mantra that came to me this week is very simple and is working really well for me.

Just finish the sentence with what’s relevant to what you’re committed to doing in the moment.

 

“I deserve to be a disciplined woman who…”

When you’re not feeling strong in a confrontation, tell yourself:
“I deserve to be a disciplined woman who …says no to disrespect.”

Deciding what to wear to get out of couch-potato mode and feel fancy (hahaha!):
“I deserve to be a disciplined woman who …is beautiful and well groomed and decorated.”

Struggling to get yourself to work out, or choose healthy foods:
“I deserve to be a disciplined woman who …has a healthy body.”

Struggling to get yourself to do the tasks needed to create a business out of your passion:
“I deserve to be a disciplined woman who …runs a successful business that helps people.”

Struggling to let yourself take a break when you desperately need one:
“I deserve to be a disciplined woman who… values herself and her well-being.”


These three keys, when put together, will help you to stop settling, and let yourself have the wonderful life you truly deserve.

You’re a good person, you’ve got a massive heart, and I’m looking forward to seeing you dedicating yourself to being truly fulfilled and nourished, because I’ve got a feeling it’s a long time comin’.


 

What are you feeling, as you’ve been reading this, that you’re opening up to letting yourself believe you deserve, and dedicating yourself to making happen?

Looking to dig a little deeper, and have real, grounded support to help get you through?  

Learn more about the coaching and energy work that I offer


to assist you through this journey of grounding your soul,


so that you can feel more fulfillment, satisfaction, and freedom

every single day.

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Do you Drain Yourself Giving too Much

One thing is for sure, we are big-hearted women.  We want to save the world, make sure everyone is as happy as humanly possible, and tend to put our own well-being on the back-burner until our many little moments of self-neglect tip the scale and cause us to crumble.  And even then, we still often do only as much for ourselves as is absolutely necessary to get us up and running again.

It’s a common issue with very caring people.  But a phrase that helps me to keep things in balance is this:

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

It’s simple, but it really says it all.  How many times do we feel like we have two drops left, and we still give one to another?  This is especially true for moms, who often have more piled on them than any of us could carry, without occasionally… okay, frequently, losing it. (I have so much respect for you mommas.)

And for those of us who are really struggling financially and have the constant stress of feeling stuck, like there’s nothing we can do, it’s hard, sometimes, to find even a minute to care for our own needs, in this crazy society that causes us to work our lives away with little to call our own, and no time to spend with our loved ones.
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But, I’m here to tell you that there’s always a path out of the darkness, and that in order to find your way, on your own unique path, you’re gonna have to tend to your candle, and make sure that you have enough provisions for the journey ahead.

Each of us has a completely unique path in this life, which can only be made clear when we shine the light of our focus onto our passions and our dreams.  If we just keep stumbling around in the dark, giving our second-to-last drop of water to whoever we bump into, how will we ever get out?  How will we have enough to give so that we really make a difference?

Fill your cup, by making sure that you have what you need.  Are you feeling totally tip top, or super drained?  Are you sleeping at least eight hours, drinking enough water, eating enough healthy food to keep you going?

Are you making time to socialize and time to yourself to relax throughout the week?  If not, you better schedule it.  Even a half hour bath, or a fifteen minute walk around the block can help us to unwind and recenter.  Even ten minutes of stretching or meditation once we’re in bed can relax us into more rejuvenating sleep to prepare for tomorrow.

We can get overwhelmed with the idea that we don’t have enough time to take care of ourselves on top of eeeeverything else, but we’re not on top of everything else.  We’re underneath it, holding it all up and keeping it balanced.  Our well-being is the foundation of everything in our lives, and if the foundation crumbles, everything else does too.  So you can’t neglect it.  That’s what happened to me.  It wasn’t pretty.

Things began great in 2014, I was traveling around, working at off-grid building workshops as a cook in Arizona and even Canada, riding across the country in a van with a zebra print fuzzy “couch” in the back seat with a couple of hippies I met in the middle of nowhere, selling clothes I abstract-doodled on from a clothesline at a friend’s reggae festival in the Carolinas, trimming weed in California (where things started to go downhill… sketchy fellas, ’nuff said) and then winter came and it was time to come home.

Those kinds of wild rides are as much drama as they are adventure, but my candle was nearly a blowtorch, and my path was clearly alight.  But there wasn’t much water towards the end of my journey, and my cup was getting pretty low.

I came home with a flu, and slept for about a week on my mom’s couch while the snow fell.  As soon as it had passed, I dove into building a holistic wellness-coaching practice and gave most of my attention to that, and applying the principles I shared to my own life, and feeling super confident.

Within that first month back, though, one of my best friends, who was like a sister to me, ended up in a mental hospital, hearing voices and feeling like she was burning in hell.  The combination of coming off of fifteen years of taking Adderall, and getting dragged into some guilt-mongering cult-like belief system while her mind was so vulnerable really messed up her perception of life.  She was stuck in a bad trip.  And I had to get her out.

I was devastated, and without a second thought, I moved to her house (in the mild ghetto) to help her.

It was so much harder on me than I had anticipated.  There was honestly nothing I could do.  I would sit with her, assure her that all was well and it was just in her head, but her experiences were so real that we couldn’t get through to her.  She tried various medications, and psychiatrists, natural methods, diet changes, energy work, everything we could think of, but she still couldn’t sleep, experiencing horrifying attacks at night and in constant fear of eternal suffering, pacing the house and shouting “Angels, PLEASE!!”

While all of this was going on, I had a mini-breakdown.  I felt like I had failed her, and was too drained and unstable from my environment that I felt was unfit to coach.  I shut down my practice, stopped writing and started trying to find ways to cope.

See, along with trying to help her, I was also incredibly broke.  I’d been stretching the two thousand dollars I had saved in California to last me December through March.  I was living on rice and bananas, a few vegetables here and there.

When I’d go to the store, I’d walk through the neighborhood feeling really unsafe (two gunshots a month was common at night there, following yelling) and twice I’d been followed most of the way home by men hitting on me who didn’t like no as an answer.

Another large part of my focus was on vegan and environmental activism, and witnessing the amount of damage and destruction happening globally, and how little action was being taken to change it, was sucking my faith in humanity away and making me scared for the future.

And, to top it all off, I had finally lost a man I had pined for for three years, who kept me at arm’s length, who finally chose another girl.

I was a wreck, guys. It had been six months, and I was broken.  I went to visit my sister in Kentucky, and she told me I should just come stay with her.  After a few weeks, I was invited last-minute to cook and be in charge of the food at an Earthbag House building workshop in Arizona, and hold a Reiki workshop during it too.

It was just what I needed, but I was still drained.  That whole summer and fall, something was off with me.  My optimism had diminished, and it took very little to overwhelm me.  I ended up stuck.  All of the trauma weakened something in me, and that winter I went through a depression like nothing I’d ever seen before.

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I had lost all hope.  I couldn’t even get myself to leave my room to eat because I felt so intimidated by the judgements of everyone seeing me being so useless.  I cried all day and rarely got out of bed, and wouldn’t let myself do anything to relax until I felt like I had accomplished enough to seem “worthy” and useful.  Helpful.  All the things I expected myself to be.

It took four months to get out of that.  With a lot of Netflix, a lot of letting go, and getting back with an ex who understood what it’s like to have that kind of depression, and finally feeling like I was enough, even when I was nothing.

So, I moved with him to Colorado.  We’re good friends now, planning to get our own places, while navigating the awkward discomfort of the recent downgrade in our relationship.  I’ve got a good job now, am building my business, and taking care of my health.

Since my hormones got thrown out of whack from that year of trauma, and threw me into a nearly inescapable depression, it’s also caused damage that has since left me with extreme fatigue, and blood sugar issues.  And I’m finally seeing a naturopathic doctor and getting tests done to find out what exactly went wrong, and how to support my system back into balance.  That’s what inspired this message today.

You see, all of that stress, and that trauma, it broke something in me.  And I fell completely apart, and am now having to fix it.  We should not have to go through that.  We should be so good to ourselves that our foundation never has to crumble, and we know when we need to get out of an unhealthy situation, or when we really need a break or a pick-me-up.

This means setting healthy boundaries.  If your cup gets below half full, you need to go fill it.  You can’t wait until the breaking point, because eventually, you really will break.

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Fill Your Cup

If you’re just a little bit hungry, eat.  If you’re a little bit thirsty, drink.  A little bit stressed?  Go in the bathroom, breathe, and touch your toes.  For a full minute, just hang over and breathe.  Need to address an unhealthy situation?  Collect your thoughts, and do it when it’s only a hint of a problem.  When you’re still mostly okay, and can discuss it rationally.  Don’t wait until you’re ravenous, dying of thirst, or ripping your hair out, and crying in a heap on the floor to take care of your needs.

You are important, and have so much to give.  If you give to yourself, your cup will be overflowing, and your foundation will be rock-solid and inspiring, and you’ll make greater changes than you’d ever imagined.

Keep your focus on your dreams and your path will make itself clearer every step of the way.  And, Goddess to Goddess, I’m always here to help.

Aquarian Goddess Jen